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What's it like to belong to a cause? I can never know... by Cryos
I read a journal by someone recently where I finally realized the person is a transphobe, so despite liking their art I blocked them and began thinking... what right do I have to do that? I'm no transphobe, I don't understand the mindset despite my attempts to explore it in writing (which probably pissed off anyone who might have read it since I have no right to write from that perspective) and it also made me think: why do I think I can be part of this? I feel so wrong trying to say I support the LGBT+ communities when I don't fall into that spectrum, I have no right to say I support them when I'm an outsider, and the worst kind fo human being simply by the fault of my birth.
I'm a Man which is like -100 points to my morality
I'm white which is like -1000 points on top of that
I'm Cisgender which is probably another -50 if I'm being generous but probably a lot lower
I'm technically Pansexual but that's... worth nothing because if I'm going to be honest then my sexual preferences fall about 60% women, 10% men and 30% Intersex of varying types so I guess that makes me technically hetero...
I do think white men have ever accomplished anything other than hurting people, slavery, and taking credit for other people's inventions so that makes me part of the lowest scum of the Earth, scum that have convinced the world they are the most important people in the world. I hate myself, a lot, over things I can't change or can't afford to change. Even if I wanted to change my gender or sex I couldn't afford to and I'm at best just curious about what it's like to be another gender or sex and don't desire to change myself... if I even could change. I try to adopt a live-and-let-live policy with these movements in my life but is that just laziness? It's just an admission that I can't do anything to help anyone and that my help should be rejected because I don't belong there. I'm not allowed to support anyone because I don't belong with them. If asked to march in a pride parade or any other pride thing I'd have to sadly decline because... I don't belong there and I don't deserve the privilege of being allowed to support them openly.
honestly, some days I wish I could rip off my skin so I wouldn't have to be Caucasian, I could just be raceless so I don't have to insult anyone by my existence or show off how awful I am. I'm technically half-Ukrainian but I've never looked into the culture enough for that to count, I like perogies (is that even the right thing to call them?) but do I deserve to eat them when I've never tried to dive into the culture of my mother's family? My father's family is a mix of the British isles so I know I'm descended from some of the worst scum of the human race...
I don't even know why I'm writing this except to get it off my chest. I've seen how people who are... let's just say Rainbow-phobes (covering all aspects of LGBTQIAP) tend to seal themselves in an echo chamber to reinforce their beliefs and I wonder... am I allowed to oppose them? I blocked the person who wrote that journal and a bunch of their supporters who replied to other journals of theirs but am I allowed to be mad at them when I don't have the right to call myself anything but scum?
I hate myself, some days I can distract from that by playing games or chatting with friends but do I even deserve to have been born as I am, one of the privileged just by nature of being a Caucasian man? I wish I could answer this, or even do something but... I just don't know...
Sorry, just had to say this, stream of consciousness, get it off my chest and... I don't know...
I'm hungry, going to eat rice...
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you're not rude, maybe I shouldn't have posted this so no one has to listen to me whining. As for the thing in Africa, after everything white people have done we deserve far far worse than that. I know I'm inherently evil because I've gone over the top swell-headed in the past and hurt people I care about.... or that I like to pretend I'm capable of caring about... turning that inwards and using self-loathing to suppress my inherent arrogance and evil nature is the only thing that keeps me from hurting others and I need to remind myself, frequently, that whatever goes on around me has to be my fault to the point that I can't stay angry at anyone for even an hour before I realize that I have no right to be angry and I become depressed because I know I caused it somehow. If I didn't accept that all the things that go wrong in my life are my own fault then I would be no better than every world leader or CEO (who are 99% white men) who fucks the world and their workers over and sits on a big pile of money without a hint of remorse... except without the money...
Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything but I don't believe in dishonesty... or maybe I do but I force myself to be honest anyway so my conscience doesn't hound me even when being honest has never worked for me in the past...
I'm sorry... I'll shut up and go to bed now...
I'm sorry...
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now all I'm wondering is, how did you even find this? I'm not popular, haven't posted here in years because I'm too dumb to use the story upload system, and I'm not in your circle of friends. I guess... I'm just wondering because my mind is too unfocused to worry about anything important.
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uhm... I do apologise, I wish I could help but all I could offer is advice really, I'm not really an expert on situations like this I'm afraid, but maybe a therapist might be able to assist you more, I think they would know more about it than I do since all I can provide is comfort and advice. not tryna be mean here, but I feel maybe a therapist could help you better /nai /nbr also if you're feeling depressed, the doc might be able to help you with that too, maybe offer some antidepressants if you're needing any. the doctor prescribed me some things to help with my anxiety, so I'm sure something like that could help too. don't be afraid to ask for help and remember take breaks if you get stressed or overwhelmed. not tryna be hurtful here, just a bit of advice that's all. might be worth noting tho! if you want to anyway <:3 /nh
all recent posts appear on weasyl's browse page, so sometimes I like to check here every now and then to admire new works and interact with any recent journals. weasyl is probably my favourite art place since even though it's a smol community, most people here are very nice and I've made alot of friends on here :3 therefore, I like being active here and posting all sorts of latest works of mine ^w^
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no need to apologize, and I'm sure therapist have real problems to deal with, even if I could afford one
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It sounds to me that you had taken a stand in your thoughts about genders, and just followed it through .. and that seems fine.
The past is a dangerous place to stay for too long .. this is really not what you want to hear, but just try a google image search for "don't dwell in the past" and "how to be mentally strong" .. it sounds like you are putting way too much on your shoulders .. it quite a bit worrysome to read through.
Weasyl got a Journal gallery, which is quite neat, that's how we found this .. and the journals there move slowly ^^;;
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Thank you. Right now I just don't know...
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Hazel3
you're quite right on not agreeing with queerphobia, especially if you're supportive of queers or part queer yourself. even if you do like all the other genders even just a little bit, I'd say you'd still count as pan :3 maybe you're both pan and hetero at the same time, it's still possible! :3 I'm a mix myself heh X3 /p I'm only a little hetero but I'm mostly an aromantic asexual. I just want you to know that you shouldn't have to be ashamed of your race, gender, or sexuality. It's okay to be yourself, and you shouldn't have to be ashamed for it. /nbr and don't worry you can still be a supportive ally whether you're queer or not ^w^ I think we should all be allies to everyone (except the phobes ofcourse) regardless of sexuality, gender, disability, or race. cishets don't have to be the only allies, heck we can all be allies to all sexualities and genders ^w^ /su try not to listen to the heterophobes, cisphobes, queerphobes, racists, and sexists, what they're saying ain't true and ain't right at all. pride is for everyone regardless of what gender or sexuality you have, even furries and therians can be proud too! and I get that whites and cishets did some really awful things in history but that was aaaages ago and the past is the past, besides there's already alot of horrible things in history anyway (like the torture shiver {{ (>_<) }}). people today are very supportive and accepting, infact the tables are actually turning in the present day. if you seen africa, the blacks are now picking on the whites, even making separate doors to separate the people of colour, when we should all be accepting because it doesn't matter if you're black, white, asian, queer, cishet, whatsoever, pride is for everyone and we're all human..well some are therians but ima include them anyway :3 As a fellow white (even though I'm not a guy) I wanna say, please don't be hard on yourself for your colour or gender, don't listen to the racists and sexists out there, and please remember that history is called history for a reason cos after all, the past is the past, it shouldn't have to repeat itself <:3 /nh I'm sorry if any of this came off mean or rude in any way, I don't mean to come off direct or anything, I just wanted to help is all /nbr /h /fr /nau /ny /su /cf /gen