Before anyone panics, this isn’t about writing or the stories I’m working on.

One of the “signal behavior” with me, when I get bored with something is that I stop caring about how well I do it. That can be a game, dealing with other, and yes, it can also apply to writing, and it can definitely apply to my job, and it is applying.

Normally, and I put that at anytime before February 2021, when I went on medical leave for my cancer, I’d take any load I was given, just so I’d keep driving. I’d call to get the load sooner, or walk to the office if I was in the yard.

I ended up in the yard on Friday, after delivering 15 minutes away. Now, no one told mew to return to the yard. They would happily have left me sitting at the customer, when I asked if there was anything assigned to me, they said no. I told them I was heading to the yard, gave them 10 minutes to reply, then drove there.

A driver I’d run across in Laredo happened to be parked next to me so we chatted for a while, still waiting for an assignment. As we talked the thought of “do I really want to do this anymore?” kept bouncing in my head. And I thought back on how I’d driven recently. Not trying very hard to be on time, not double checking that I was handed all the paperwork (turned out some were missing that day, actually and I had to call the customer to have them fax the papers to the office) and now, not trying very hard to get my next load. To the point that when I went in the office to hand in my trip envelopes, I’d decided that if they didn’t have a load for me, I was head home for the weekend.

I can’t recall when the last time was that I have decided to head home instead of going back on the road.

They had a load going to Laredo, TX in the yard, ready for me, which, of course, they hadn’t sent to my truck, and I can bet that if I hadn’t checked in, wouldn’t have been sent, ever. I took it, and I’m not regretting it.

But I have been noticing that anytime I have to deal with the office, there is this thought of “do I really want to do this anymore?” bubbling up, and it’s getting louder and louder.

I still love my job. I life driving the truck, just not dealing with the people in the company. And I love writing more than I love my job, and that’s making justifying sticking with it harder and harder.

And with that. I, will wish you a good day.