So this month and year, A name I have gone by for a long time and the character attached to it turn 30. 30 years I have had Sir Kain around… Just messes with the brain a bit for me heh.

Sorry for the not so organized flow of paragraphs to follow if you read ahead, but this was tough to type it all up. Lots of moods flowing heh. Lots.

While the character isn't someone who really is used much at all anymore (either in artwork or to represent myself), I still hold onto him because there is a lot of sentimental value he carries. I was 12 when I created him in a D&D (don't think was AD&D) campaign with a couple of neighbors, letting me once in a while play with them in some one-day campaigns and see what that was like. Before I made Sir Kain I never really kept the character around or developed anything. But for some reason when I was using Sir Kain I decided to make him again and again in future games I did with them and best friends met later on in life who played AD&D with. The ability to create someone and act as them vs. yourself… to be something different (better?) than what you currently were was quite a drug to me, if not an escape.

I remember having him be neutral good or lawful neutral. Or whatever the closest to that was in D&D. The intro/brief background to him I made up for that campaign was something like: "As a kid, being a Peasant he has always dreamed of being a knight. But not being of noble blood (and being left-handed) pretty much shot that dream from ever coming true. So, at 15 he left his parents home (and took what money they had), got a chain-mail shirt, a long-sword and some rations and set out for adventure in hopes of one day becoming a famous fighter...” I just followed the group wherever they decided we should go, help with fighting off threats and all that stuff. No real plans to change how he acted. When one later campaign happened where he got a magical sword (by the DM goofing around, and the dice playing Murphy’s law with me getting good rolls and them bad) changed everything. “Early in his adventures he got his paws on his now prize possession - a sinister blade (A Vorpal sword) "Gelder's Edge". Once he saw the power it possessed, he started to obsess on finding more things to give him more power... HE calls him self "Sir" Kain to troll and mock royalty and nobility which if he had his way would like to take out..." - That was the first time I really got into what Sir Kain was, and what he was going to become just by role-playing tings out. Making a personality, as well as learning what things he was awesome at or I admired that I lacked. The drug of creating a character and escaping the imperfect you had hit me and hasn't left since.

I had maybe enough friends to count on one hand back then. Entering Junior high years and puberty doing its thing made my moods even more hard to control or understand than ever. I was in special ED classes for a couple years then for my twitchy explosive emotions and a bit of learning disability (real slow to grasp some things but real fast on other subjects), in one or 2 regular ed classes where was with rest of the ‘normal’ people. A lot of us in the special ed classes got picked on almost daily in Jr high, and I was definitely more of a runt. Decided enough was enough and started to fight back/lash out. A lot. If felt a touch on my shoulder I’d be turning around ready to throw a punch by instinct by end of 7^th grade kind of stuff. Eventually being ‘Kain like’ worked pushing most everyone away. At the same time though it caused me to get the high of fighting and taking my pent up frustrations out on others, much like what Kain would do…

I am not like that anymore (thank goodness), but being in my 40’s now I know pretty much anything Kain is like personality wise is very toxic. Its fun to play out in role-play sure! But Just not a good role model I want to be attached with. Hes a toxic loose canon, but creating him eventually for escape helped me through some of the roughest years I had growing up before I found the furry fandom near the end of my high school years, making many good friends and acquaintances since.

And having a lot in this fandom and before finding it knowing me as Sir Kain from BBSes, the campaigns of (A)D&D, my web site have had around since 1995 hosting lots of home pages for other furries…. It isn't a name I care to drop and go by something else. Would just be too hard to do and not have older friends or lost friends not get the memo. The name is like a ‘brand’ for me now, so will keep my usernames mostly set to sirkain and other places online where I can…. But that's about all the Sir Kain I will probably ever touch again actively.

When I was 12 he for a while was becoming my ‘ideal me’…. Now in 2019 I don't really have one, but that's something in the works with Erica. That's for another journal and time.

If you read this far and was able to understand any of the gibberish I typed up, thanks!