The handful of people that have known and still followed me from highschool might have noticed me trying to be less... animated? (for lack of a better term lmao) And I've totally slipped up from time to time cos I'd get excited when people liked something I did and would jump on them like HI YES I LOVE YOU FRIEND and obviously that's a bit offputting from a total stranger and I've been shunned because of that and thats all understandible
but I do feel like my response of "okay so I'll just try to be emotionless, that's palatable, people like that" was almost just as juvenile and uncalled for, I trapped myself into feeling guilty for saying anything other than "thank you" if I did that at all, and reading the things I said to people while trying to be someone more likeable are just riddled with apologies and explanations nobody asked for and basically just a whole other mess
So, dunno why it's taken me this long to realise but hey, I finally did and thats whats important! Instead of dialling my responses back 5 degrees, i'm gonna try to dial them back only 1, so its not "HOLY SHIT LET ME LOVE YOU" and it's not "thanks." it'd be "thank you so much! :D". Actually I do know why, unchecked and untreated adhd, possibly other things, still havent found a damn psychiatrist and I'm still looking! The next session with my counsellor she says she's got someone for me to try
File this under the many things that my brain had just become so used to that it thought was normal so I didnt even think to bring it up to my therapist lol, I'm excited to feel okay about being excited again
on a related note, 'cringe culture' can dry up and die, it's suffocating to hide my enjoyment when I'm not hurting anyone for fear of people making fun of me. if someone really wants to, they could laugh at me for any reason tbh, so i'd rather be happy and laughed at than be miserable and laughed at, yanno?
I'm calling this spring cleaning of sorts, spring cleaning of my brain
One other thing I've been thinking of: I'm not sure what warrants a 'pan-site' update anymore? Like I'm posting this same journal on my art sites to hopefully poll people on this
Do you write journals anymore on deviantart/furaffinity/weasyl? or have you completely separated your social media from your art sites?
I used to write journals all the time, but have been keeping things trim while trying to be aloof, but since I've given up on that, I miss the chats I'd have with artsy people in my feed. But I'm even more out of practise with talking to people in this setting now, that I'm not sure when and why or how? And crossposting this to three sites always feels kinda weird, I'm not sure why
One thing I DO know for certain is I don't want a twitter or facebook; I can't stand my feed being in the wrong order, it drives me up the wall!