What even: the year.

It's all felt like a bizarro repeat of the past two years in which everything went to hell (again), then for whatever reason got better. It feels inexplicable. Attempts at reconciliation...let's just say they were mixed. I suppose I've begun to realize learned helplessness has crippled me in ways I would never have seen coming.

I don't know whether or not this is a miracle, life relenting, or I'm actually recovering/maturing/what-have-you. Or worse, a stroke of good fortune that will inevitably end with consequences equally or more devastating than before. I just feel so confused that it's gotten slightly better after two whole years of feeling like trash (and sometimes getting treated like trash, or treating others like trash, or we can go on for ages about this).

I just. What even. I'm not even mad or sad, just outright confused.

What is and why is this happening?

It's probably an unanswerable question, just like the bigger one I've been given: "Where did it all go so wrong?"