For those of you who actually bother to read these journals (I won't lie; I usually don't read anyone else's journal entries myself), I'm making excellent progress on that picture I'm drawing for my brother. It's not furry-specific, so I won't be posting it here; I'll be posting it to my deviantart gallery, my tumblr blog, my twitter account, and if they function the way I think they do, my pinterest and instagram boards. I think I can finish it by the start of June (my brother's birthday is May 31st). After I'm done, I'll be working primarily on growing my social network.

Wooh boy. My social network.

I need to disclose something that may already be apparent. Bear with me if I've said this before, because I want to get more precise on an apprehension I have when it comes to meeting new people. I often daydream about getting validation from people I admire. There seems to be an empty space in my life that needs a savior to fill it. Before I went on zoloft, this space usually held only one person at a time. Now it's more than a dozen, most of whom are now YouTubers.

In my aim to expand my social circle, the driving force behind it may very well be this empty space. I have to be honest; I hate casual hanging out. I am extremely uncomfortable with it unless members of my own family are present. I also hate casual conversation. I find it boring, akward and pointless. I dread that the discord and telegram conversations I try to initiate won't get off the ground, that I'll have to do all the talking, that I won't hold anyone's interest, and that the topics will be lame and unfruitful.

Meeting people in person is much worse. I don't mean to sound ungrateful the way I present this occurance, but I think it's important to make my perspective clear. On facebook, I joined the furry group for Mississippi. I asked about a furmeet that happened in a town near my own last month, and somebody redirected me to a group that is actually located in my own town. I thanked her, subscribed to the group in question, and haven't done anything since. This was about a week ago.

The truth is, I yearn to meet a furry in person. Wholly on the basis of our common membership in the fandom. Paradoxically, I dread meeting another furry. I don't have the foggiest idea of what I should say once I do. I already said I hate casual conversation. Believe me, I have tried it, and every time, I leave feeling emotionally drained. I've been watching videos of furcons, the ones that are basically a montage of clips with overlaid techno music. Watching everyone enjoy themselves, feel so comfortable around one another just makes be really, really sad.

I don't mean to deny anyone their happiness, it's just that anytime I'm around people I consider peers, I'm on the outside looking in. That's how it was during my five years of college, that's how it was in highschool, that's how it was at the three jobs I held. And don't say it wasn't because I didn't try. I honestly did. I have no idea if it was because there's something about me in person that scares people (and I am a somewhat awkward individual; I don't exercise diplomacy and I often bring up uncomfortable topics).

The fulcrum on which my mode of interaction hangs is whether or not I'm going to get validation and reassurance out of another person. Usually, the demographic is going to be someone much older than I am, or at least measurably more experienced. I don't say this to shun anyone outside that demographic, but I haven't had any casual friendships since I was 15 (and I am now 28). The only kind of interaction that's gone well is if I'm entertaining other people or if some formal exchange of ideas is going on. I've been raised to believe that trying to get my own needs met is somehow selfish, and that refusing things I didn't want to give is also selfish.

Here's a couple of incompatible things; I hate being touched. Anything beyond a handshake, and I get really squeemish. At the same time, I long for physical affection. The only people I have really felt affection for are my mom, my dad's mom, and my brother's two children. I think I would welcome embraces from anyone in a fursuit, but I'm also the kind of person who would hold on too long. I'd be very all-or-nothing about it. I would scare you away by being too clingyand possessive.

I'm at a point in my life where seeing other people take no for an answer is a huge deal for me. According to Erik Erikson's stages of personality development, I should have outgrown that when I turned three. Unfortunately, I had parents who categorized any sort of refusal or denial from their own children as disrespectful rebellion.

I don't want this to come off as some sort of self-pity orgasm. What I'm trying to do is lay my cards on the table, to share my insecurities when it comes to interacting with people. I need help getting through this. It's something that's I've put off working on for a long time, and getting through it looks like it will be rough from this point.