Peppers by R

I actually used to hate peppers. Part of me still does. I am still not sold on chili, because it's absolute Satan. But like, sweet bell peppers, they're the shit. Raw, cooked, whatever, I don't give a fuck. Is this what growing up is like? You end up liking things you used to hate as a kid.

Anyway, here's what I was getting to: Borsh. I cook a lot of borsh because it's three things: A) Cheap as fuck, B) Brainlessly easy to make, C) Legit healthy, and--most importantly--D) Tastes fucking amazing. I've adulterated our family recipe by including bacon, and then I went a step further and added Bulgarian peppers. I am not sure what I've been doing wrong all my life, but it was like a revelation.

A [modified] quote will be appropriate: "Some people find God, Nirvana, others find inner light and enlightenment...some weirdoes find ponies in a children's cartoon for little girls" ...and then there's me discovering that peppers are fucking amazing in borsh.

If you're with me so far I'll even be so kind as to share my trademark borsh recipe with you. The cast, in order of appearance:

  • ½ lb of bacon
  • 1 lb dead pig that is not necessarily bacon
  • salo (if you have it)
  • garlic (also optional but good)
  • tomato paste
  • salt
  • peppercorns
  • bay leaves
  • vinegar
  • 3 tbsp sugar
  • ½ lb onions
  • ½ lb carrots
  • ½ lb cabbage
  • ½ lb potatoes
  • ½ lb red beets
  • ½ lb sweet red peppers
  • handful of dill
  • handful of parsley

  • The prep is dicing everything except the dill and parsley. Everything that's not potatoes is diced into quarter inch little thingies. Generally try to make it no bigger than half an inch. Potatoes get to be half an inch. Don't make them too much bigger than that 'cause they'll go from inch to bitch and you'll go from cook to kook trying to boil shit evenly. Save the dill and parsley for later because we want them to be fresh and fragrant. If you choose to use garlic, the easiest way to cut it after peeling it is when you squish it with the blade of the knife and then erratically chop it. Don't bother making it fine, just don't dump whole cloves in. Incredible.

  • In a pot, bring anywhere between a litre and a half and two litres of water to a boil. You might as well salt it; give it two good teaspoons of salt. Probably three, but you gotta be careful (my formula for success is half a teaspoon per pound of matter/liquid). Beautiful. Throw in a pound of diced pork, and a handful of bacon. Yes, I said AND a handful of bacon. As in you will use both regular run of the mill pork AND bacon. As in at the same time. Fuck you, learn to be a man, damn you. Also put in some laurel leaves and peppercorns. Top it off with five tablespoons of tomato paste (basically a whole little tin). If you so happen to have salo, this is also where you add the salo. If you don't have salo, I pity you, but there's nothing to be done about that. Garlic goes in now, too. Obviously you chose to use it because why would you not. Throw in three tablespoons of sugar and a dash of vinegar and let it simmer for a wee bit. Gorgeous.

  • When you're done picking your nose and finished your cup of tea, throw in the diced vegetables and greens. This is the point where you quickly chop the dill and parsley and throw them in. This is to ensure the flavour doesn't evaporate and they don't go floppy and trashy on your kitchen table while you're doing everything but pay attention to the stove. Step up to the plate, you vapid mule. Where's your standards?!

  • Let this concoction simmer until the red beets are reasonably soft. This will typically take around 20 minutes. Now you have all the time in the world to fiddle with your stupid little smart phone, pick your nose all over again, post idiotic memes on twitter, and pick the grime out of your navel.

When served, remember to add a nice big dollop of sour cream to your serving dish. Unless you're scared in which case you can go fuck yourself.

As for art I don't know when I'll post anything. I'm not super comfortable about posting things online anymore, so for the time being, art is restricted to just a couple close friends. It's taking all I got to not remove all the stuff I've lying around online, and even then it's only because I vowed not to do such a thing again. I mean what's the point of a principle if you're not gonna stick with it? Be a fuckin' man, am I right?!



6 October 2017 at 08:14:57 MDT

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    I used to hate all peppers when I was a kid but now I enjoy them when saute'd with some pasta, learning to like things you hated as a kid is totally a normal part of becoming an adult. stir fry is the shit too