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Latest News by Threetails

So I'm still waiting for the assessments to be tallied but it's looking likely that I'll be diagnosed with ADHD as my main disability.

This explains a lot about me, like why I have traits that are vaguely autism-like while not being diagnosably on the spectrum. I never had the severe communication problems, or failure to understand nonverbal communication, or anything like that.

But I do have a lot of trouble starting and finishing tasks. I have extreme difficulty focusing when I'm not interested in things, I get bored far too easily, I constantly crave novelty and excitement. In some ways it's the polar opposite of someone with autism who craves routine; I have a hard time keeping up routines and feel trapped and anxious if it's always the same-old same-old.

I've learned to adapt somewhat. I learned to get the impulse control problems I had as a kid under control which means I don't get into fights constantly. I can finish novels now, which is probably the greatest achievement of my life to date. But holding a job that should be easy for someone with my intellect becomes challenging because I can't parse tasks, or deal with boredom.

My last job was basically constant panic mode because I was being called to do tasks before I could finish them. I was forgetting things. It's usually that way, always on some pendulum between crushing boredom where my thoughts wander into dark places, or utter panic where I feel like I'm being asked to juggle cantaloupes while riding a flaming unicycle.

I need a lot of down time to sort of "re-set" after a day of work. If I work a day job I seldom get anything else done because I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to rein in my wayward thoughts and stay on task. It takes me longer to finish tasks than most people too. It's not that I'm "slow" in that way, it's that I move slowly. I can't help it.

Also a common feature for adults with ADHD are shame, discouragement, and severe depression. I've got it all. And it isn't hard to explain why. Imagine you've fought all your life to at least project some superficial appearance of being normal, and you kind of manage to fake it, get yourself prepped to get back on the horse every time you fall off, dust yourself off with every ounce of strength you've got, and keep trying because if you stop trying, nobody will respect you, period. You've got that sword over your head 24/7 and it keeps you forever running yourself ragged.

You try to think positively because that's the message you get, that if you think positively about the job everything's going to be hunky-dory. Except no amount of "positive thinking" will prepare you for the moment you step out of your element to keep the bills paid. Any amount of psyching yourself into thinking "yes, I can do it!" evaporates when the reality hits home and the veneer comes off. Your mind starts wandering again. You have to slow down to keep from making inattentive mistakes again. You get yelled at for taking too long, lectured on how you're a smart person and should be able to do this, treated like you're lazy or "not applying yourself." And when they've eroded your confidence to dirt, they throw you away for performance issues.

And here's where it gets really painful: unlike someone with autism who might not pick up on it, you know the moment they notice you're not as good as the others. You can see the subtle changes in their body language and tone of voice. They get colder to you, more critical, they put you on more busy work tasks than the others. You know you're going to lose your job but you have to keep pretending, forcing yourself to smile, knowing it's a losing battle.

I don't know what to expect now. Maybe having this diagnosis will help me somewhat. Maybe I'll find a job that'll take this into account. Maybe I'll manage to get on disability until I can hack it as a writer, and get lucky enough to not have my support legislated into oblivion. Or maybe it'll be the same losing battle, but I hope not. I don't want to think about that right now. I want to believe help is on the way.

In the mean time, I'll keep writing. It's the only thing I do well that has even the tiniest chance of success.

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Threetails

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