So.

First I want to apologize for basically disappearing without warning at all. Second, I want to state that this journal is long and about uncomfortable subjects in regards to me and my health.

I'll begin by saying that I am receiving proper care (therapy & medication) for my current illnesses. Hopefully this information makes you feel more at ease, as I know it helps me, haha.

In late October, I very nearly killed myself.

I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD and composite post-partum depression and anxiety, which are additionally compounded by my existing anxiety based personality disorder. This disorder is why it was nearly a year before I discovered how badly off I was, as I was using coping techniques and assumed that it was the only thing causing me hardship.

I didn't know I needed help until I started having suicidal thoughts- part stubborn optimism and part blatant denial led to that point ("this is temporary, I'll be fine, I'm just tired", etc) but as soon as I realized what was happening I called my doctor. I got help immediately, but it's still pretty rocky. I'm struggling. I still have intrusive thoughts about hurting myself or what dying would feel like/how much of a relief it would be.

In short, I am not well.

Medication is helping, and I have no intention to act on any of it. Overall my therapist is pleased with my progress.

I'm having trouble pursuing my interests still, the biggest of those being art, which is a problem considering it's something that I have always been passionate about. And that you are counting on me to create things. I'm sorry for letting you down, I really don't like using my health as an excuse. It feels gross. I don't like admitting that I just don't have the energy or strength to force myself to work

Or that when I've tried the results haven't exactly had a healthy impact on my current mental status.

I am trying though. And I am getting better and starting to feel like a person again. So that's good.

If you have paid me for a commission and would like a refund, please email me at lilyfacecommissions@gmail.com with the details of your request. I don't believe I have sent invoices or accepted payment from my last attempt at commisions yet, but I could be misremembering. If you're in my queue and wish to be removed from it, you can email me as well. Lastly, if you're alright with a potentially long wait (which has already been long, and I'm incredibly sorry for that- being noncommunicative isn't like me at all) and are okay with me going at my own pace I'm happy to keep you on my list and also email you WIPs of my progress when I make any or at the very least a head's up when your commission is finished to settle payment before posting. I don'tknow how long it will take, but I will be as openly communicative as possible.

Also, if you're interested in a traditional piece rather than digital, I will happily transfer your original commission request to that medium as well. Traditional has been a little easier for me to work on, as I'm less isolated and can work in a comforting space. I'm even willing to ship finished pieces. Just let me know.

I'm very sorry for worrying any of you. I promise that I am getting better. Slowly, but I am getting better. It's just going to take time.

Thank you for being so patient with me, and for your understanding. I hope you're doing well and taking care of yourselves.

Love to you guys,
Lily