I had another sudden and very deep/dark episode hit very late Sunday night and was worse when woke up Monday before work and called out cause of it. sleeping a lot and bashing myself mentally even in my random dreams. When finally woke up hungry after not eaten for a day and calmed down it was clear to me right then what was going on.

My pride, and being too hard on myself for my faults/weaknesses. The alcohol even the little i had nightly was just making it more unstable and potent when it decided to rear its head. So for now I need to stay off the alcohol if/until I get my head sorted out on this.

There is a lot I am disappointed/frustrated with about myself that is tough to let go on or forgive easily... To the point I forget I got a lot of positives/strengths. That surpass the weakness and faults.

I have told my boss about this so he is in the loop and he understand. Talked to dad tonight before typed this up and he has my back as does the rest of the family. Its just going ot take me some time on trying to let the pride let go and chill out on my faults but not let them slide/get worse. I have much catching up to do on things i should of had a handle on 20+ years ago. I will get it done though.

For those of you who drink around me, RELAX. It wont bother me or tease me if you did drink around me. its my choice to stay off it for the time being. Even Dad was thinking he was being a bad example but I told him he can do ti cause he doesn't have mental issues with himself right now to trigger episodes like I got right now. No reason for him to stop his routine.

If any of you have been through this or got advice, lemme know.