I'm so tired. Thats the biggest thing.
As some of you guys may know, I'm not stable enough to hold down a job, so all I really do is lay in bed all day and I'm just so tired all the time.
I'm seeing a grief counselor twice a week now. She really adds to my exhaustion and we havent even gone into the grief part of why I'm seeing here. We're just going over some of my general issues and concerns.
I'm not being honest with myself. I'm not okay. But I refuse to go back into the hospital. I refuse to be held against my will and forced to live with people who just add to my stress and feed into my negativity. I refuse to pretend Im okay 24/7 while Im in there so that I can get the fuck out as fast as I can.
It doesnt help at all.
I have no idea what to do. I'm going to the VA on monday to see a psychiatrist and thats good. I know I need to be on medication to help the panic and the nightmares from my trauma, but I really dont want to go in. The meds make me feel so fucking awful.
I know I need help but Im so tired and I'm so done trying to cope with this. Its been nine years and I feel like all I've done is get worse, not better. My social anxiety is through the roof, I cant even go into my favorite clothing store without having a melt down anymore. I cant leave the house, but I cant stay in the house either because Im so antsy and dont like being cooped up. But I dont feel like i have the strength anymore to keep going. I just wanna be done. I dont feel like my heart is in this anymore. I dont feel like I want to get help anymore. I just want to not exist. I just want to disappear and everyone forget I existed. I have no interest in anything anymore. I cant enjoy how I feel when I smoke pot, I cant enjoy drawing, I cant enjoy food or sleep. I cant enjoy my family.
Im just surrounded by this awful depression and anxiety and I feel so hopeless and worthless. I'm so tired. All the time. I dont even have the strength to draw out these emotions. I cant go see my brother who I havent seen for over a year who just got back from being deployed to Kuwait. I can't even get up and just go to see him to fucking enjoy the dogs that are there. DOGS! I CANT GO OUT TO ENJOY DOGS AND THEY ARE FUCKING DOGS YO. I washed my sheets like, over week ago. And they've been sitting next to my bed all this time and I dont have the strength to put them back on my bed. My pillows have fallen down the edge of the bed and I cant pull them out to use them and push the bed back against the wall so they dont continue to fall down.
I just want to be done, ya know?
It's consumed m life and I feel like theres no way out anymore