My biggest fear is not knowing what's going to happen. If I don't know something, my brain puts in whatever worst-case scenario it can think of, and I'm left shaking with worry. It's why I slept with my ceiling light on for weeks when I was twelve until I got a huge fluorescent bar light to mount on the foot of my bed. I couldn't go anywhere for years without all the lights on and a plan to get out of the dark because I could never tell what was hiding in the shadows. It's why I can't make phone calls or talk to the cashier at Target without my heartbeat racing and shaking to my core, because I don't know how to respond to whatever these strangers might say to me. I've gone over a month with an expired debit card because I have no idea what to say to my bank. I have almost $200 in late hospital fees because I don't know how to say "Yeah, I was covered by insurance. It must not have been updated in time." I can't do anything without someone else holding my hand the whole way and it's embarrassing how dependent I am on others to do simple tasks like buying something from the store or calling for a doctor's appointment. I want to get better, but I'm scared to death of everything and everyone.

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I'm almost nineteen and I can't do anything on my own. I'm pathetic.