I've been working on soul searching and fixing myself a lot lately. Especially since got the antidepressants and now have a clear head for once in a very long time. I'm now starting to battle something I was afraid of tackling that I did 25 or so years ago or more. And it relates to my character Sir Kain.
Why? Back in junior high (1990 era) when I was having emotional issues, getting bullied/teased a lot, having only a couple friends (if that) I was loosing it. I started to program myself basically to act and be something that would make folks pick on me less or be intimidated enough to just leave me alone. Trust nobody. Any feeling I wasn't sure about just block it if/until I understood it more. I got in a lot of fights, so touch was another thing I had to axe and reprogram in a defensive/offensive way (like if someone grabbed my shoulder, automatically just turn around and get ready to throw a punch since I usually would be having to deal with another bully). And it worked then to get most to leave me alone.
A lot of the things I was wanting to appear like or be like I put in Kain as I role played him over the years and once found the furry fandom, show it through him in artwork.
Fast forward to present time (2016), A lot of those defensive/reflexive habits I trained myself to have from back then are still there, and it has been tough to be what I WANT to be. That is – not come off as offensive or intimidating or give off such vibes, not be broken on accepting/handling affection or being close around friends/trusted ones. When you hold onto such habits for a quarter century you almost forget they are there or that you made them, instead of always naturally having them.
So if you still see me struggle or pause if I get a hug or try to give someone a hug or try to do stuff more intimate/friendly past that (not perverted, get your mind out of the gutter!), this is what I am battling. I don't know how long it will take to undo all that mess I made. But I will need help and teaching on some stuff since I neglected it for decades.
I want to be myself. I am not afraid to be affectionate when its accepted around folks I am around at the time. I don't have to keep the battle like defenses I have been afraid to let go of for so many years. I don't want to intimidate or scare folks off anymore.
So... Eric vs Sir Kain... Fight. grips his own sword