Wow. Just checked the browse page and saw that my journals show up more than anyone else's. I think I might be too whiny.

I don't think I'll stop. I need this. Who else do I complain to? I don't have anyone. I've just got the internet. Is there a better place to put these? Probably. But I think part of me wants a friend to find these and want to talk about what's going on. I'll never tell anyone directly that I need to talk about problems. I don't like being an emotional burden.

I went back to my first journal just a little bit ago. It hasn't even been three weeks and I've gone from friendly to 12 year old angsty crying. What the hell is wrong with me?

I still miss S. I really liked him. I've recently been trying to fill the emptiness with affection to others in the Steam group but it's weirding people out. My best friend called me out for hitting on someone. I don't even know the guy he was talking about beyond him being a birdie. I didn't even know he was a guy until the day before. I was just trying to be cute to someone who acted cute all the time. I don't want to be creepy. I want to be nice and happy and cute like a little tiny squirrely dude.

Then there's others I'm being cutesy to and they're taken, so it all feels weird and makes me feel unspecial. I want to be someone's guy. I want someone to think I'm the cool, cute guy. I want to be the one someone loves and cuddles and holds close.

I miss school. I miss friends. I miss hanging out. I miss going out. I miss everything.

Now I'm screwing up friendships by being a weirdo in chats. I don't want to lose friends. I don't want to lose anyone, but it looks like I'm going to mess everything up. Before recently, I tried to be the sarcastic jerk of SCG. That wasn't so good. Now I'm some overly affectionate creepo and it's making people uncomfortable.

I haven't been to church in months. I need to go back. I need that community. I need to see people and feel like I have purpose. It's too bad that my only transportation to church has been gone, leaving me here at home all alone.

I haven't been eating. I don't know if it's stress or self-hate or what but I just don't want to eat. I've tried but it just comes back up and then some. I don't like puking and I don't like stomach acid forcing its way up.

sorry. that's a lot of jumping around. it's the way my brain works and it's just gonna be like that. i'm sorry for the inconvenience i might have caused anyone reading this. i tried to make it make sense but i'm not very good.

I love all of you. Every single one. Every person who views my journals. Every person who talks with me in chat, privately or publicly. Every person who plays games with me. Every person who draws cool art or makes cool music or writes cool stories. I love all of you. I hope some day I can love myself as much as I love you guys.

frost