I claim I'm not worried about people I know seeing these, but I think I kind of am. I've only shown one person I know these journals and had to tell her not to share them with my ex because I was so afraid of him being upset with me. I've told another friend that they exist and told him not to read too...

Why? If I'm not worried about people seeing it, why am I telling people not to look at it? I don't know... I'm afraid of people seeing my journals as negative things about them. They aren't. They shouldn't be. It's just me typing out whatever I'm thinking and feeling. Just as any diary I'd keep privately, it's my mostly unedited feelings at the moment. I'm doing this for me because keeping all these feelings inside of myself and not telling anyone will ultimately destroy me, and telling people I know is going to make them think I'm not the happy cheery guy they know. Keeping these journals safe from my friends seems like a good idea, but it's just going to make it worse when one of them reads it.

If I know you and you're reading this, fine. I really don't mind anymore. I'm a flawed person and those flaws are pretty clearly shown in my writing. I'm not a strong shoulder for you to cry on. I'm not an empathetic ear for listening. I'm not a wise mouth for advice. I'm not the happy, cheery, optimistic guy that I show myself as. I keep all my insecurities bottled up inside of myself until it ends up with me crying as I cuddle a teddy bear for hours in the middle of the night. I still sleep with multiple stuffed animals.

I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm stupid. I need a therapist but I'm afraid of therapists.

Story time? It's a quick one. Therapist had it in her head that I had a family member that was sexually abusive. She used my wording that, when my older brother would physically and emotionally abuse me (never sexually god damn it), he was most often the perpetrator and I was the victim. Victim and Perpetrator, to her, only applies to sexual abuse. Not to literally any other bad thing. She waited until an appointment that I would be there alone without my parents to spring it on me. She told me that, if I left, my "parents would be charged extra" in order to keep me there. I stuck it through and left immediately afterwards. Since then, I have decided not to do therapy. If that's what therapy is going to be like, I'd rather deal with my issues on my own.

I found out later that she tried to pull the same thing with my sister but was shut down by her parents. I hope she loses her license. She's ruined therapy for me.

This was a weird one. Started off with personal sharing stuff and ended with a tale of a terrible therapist. Good stuff here. Read. Whatever. I don't care.

frost