(Originally posted on April 15th.)

After a week and a half spent without access to the Internet, I am finally starting to get interviews, with my third one possibly taking place next week. And, my ISP was able to restore my Internet access soon after I called them up. During the time I was offline, I threw out even more unwanted items, which, due to wanting to purge anything that's either useless or reminds me of the teenage years ruined by the abusive stepfather I had during that time, has led to me shedding about half of all of my possessions. The hatred and rage that I'd kept contained inside me for so many years came pouring out, culminating in me frequently destroying the items I found before throwing them away. And one of my neighbours could hear my venting, despite the walls being thick enough to block out the sounds from each adjoining house. I've also found that my hoard of computer parts is unsellable, since some parts aren't working and no supplier I've asked will accept them, and both of the older desktop computers I'd kept have developed serious problems that I don't want to waste time repairing (since I can just use an emulator to run my old games), so almost all of my supply is going too, with the only parts I'm keeping being the processor, graphics card and RAM modules I removed from my current desktop, a spare power supply unit, a spare network card, and seven hard drives containing my entire music collection, my personal files, and backups of my desktop and laptop's hard drives.

As for the way I see my life now, I've seen a major change in myself these past few months.

I've learned exactly who I am. I want to make something of myself and live out my dreams, and between my intense desire to find work, I still intend to chase my desire to publish stories. However, finding love is down towards the bottom of my list of priorities, though making more of a name for myself within the Furry Fandom ranks much higher, as is purchasing my own Fursuit. Buying the gear to dress up as Wesley will cost me £140, and a suit of Judy Hopps is available for £220 from EBay, but buying a suit of Sharp will cost a minimum of £800. (If there's enough money left over, I hope to be able to attend next year's Confuzzled convention as well as GFM; if both take place simultaneously, GFM would take priority.)

Video games have less meaning to me now - although I still play them, I now do so only at night as a means of winding my mind down, and limit myself to a maximum of two hours per day. I used to enjoy racing games growing up, but nowadays I've fallen out of love with them entirely. Nowadays I find myself preferring adventure, story based, first person shooter and strategy games, with a marked preference for games featuring Furry characters. I also haven't played TF2 for six weeks, making it the longest period of time I've spent away from the game, and I've stopped buying in-game items altogether; I've come to view acquiring expensive items as pointless, and see no need to buy any more than I already have, thus the credit I added in February still remains unused. I haven't decided whether I will sell off my item inventory yet, though.

For the past sixteen years, I've had dreams of eventually emigrating to America permanently, given I see far more potential for me in America than I do in the UK, and believe that if I ever do find a girlfriend and we decide to have children, I can give them a better life there than I ever could in the UK. That, and America has had a hold on me following the visits I used to make to it while my uncle lived out there; it's been my obsession for sixteen years. That hold has only grown stronger with time, and will probably become even more so in my planned visit next year. Even the 9/11 attacks and the attempts to introduce Internet censorship laws have not been enough to quell this desire, and I think that speaks volumes about just how determined I am to make my dreams come true.

I am so determined to achieve my goals, that at least one person has admitted that it's come across as frightening. This is not only a dream any more - my goals are the obsession that has taken hold of my life, and they're the main things that are driving me. By this, I mean that I have no intention of letting anyone get in my way no matter what. My father has agreed to help with paying my rent, but it means I will move home again before the end of the year. Obviously, this means that I cannot buy any art until I get another job, although I probably would still abstain from it for reasons already outlined in this journal. But even with the amount of rubbish I've thrown out, I know that I still have too much stuff to be able to take on a train or aeroplane with me. I know I will have to sell my desktop when I leave the country (or take it with me but leave behind the power supply, DVD drive, monitor and speakers), but I've braced myself for that. I can take my netbook or any laptop with me, provided I replace its power supply unit as soon as possible or get one of my American contacts to buy one on my behalf.

A cornershop down the road from me is where I may have my next interview. Although working as a shop assistant might not sound remarkable at first, a job is still a job, and a job will allow me to save up as much money as I can. I hope that it will lead to great things, and that it will result in a permanent position there; one of the things I've wanted is a job that lasts for longer than just a few months, and if I get this one, I'm determined not to screw anything up.

Between this, I will continue to make my stories. And just for all you fluffy, furry, feathered and scaley ladies and gentlemen on and off this marvellous site, I've started to plan out my debut novel. It'll be a romance story that delves deep into the minds of my characters Ron and Jackie, and will focus on the first times they met and when they began to fall for each other like two houses of cards, leading up to when they get married, but not without the struggles they each faced from their families along the way. Only the first few chapters would be available on this site as a preview, although due to my current projects and the amount of time I expect planning this story to take me, you probably will not see any sign of this for at least six more months. I will also get one of my friends to make a cover for this book for me. Additionally, you may remember that I wanted to learn how to draw. This is another thing I will pursue too, courtesy of two dear friends of mine. I've also taken out two books from the library describing drawing techniques.

As well as all this, I plan to also start posting videos to YouTube...once I get a better camera than what I've got, since my current digital camera lacks a microphone and my video camera picture's quality is dreadful no matter how it's configured. These videos will have me talking about various techniques to use when planning out and making your stories, building worlds and developing characters, reviews on books which I think are either fantastic pieces of work or complete rubbish, tips on how to keep your computer maintained and solve frequent problems, and maybe the occasional video game stream or two. Might even make audio books of my stories if all goes well enough. And I intend to record the videos wearing the Furry Pride T-shirts I bought last month to really get into it - a poor man's Fursuit, if you will. I will post the link to my channel once I upload my first video, since my channel's not worth looking at due to it obviously having no content yet.

In the meantime, can any of you tell me about any (video) cameras you recommend I use? And should I use my current video camera to film videos until I buy a new one, despite the poor quality of the video? My only requirements are that it does not use an internal Lithium Ion battery (I have got plenty of rechargeable batteries, and Lithium Ion batteries wear out in only a few years), and that it offers picture and sound quality good enough for video uploads. I want something capable, but I don't want to spend too much on this due to me wanting to save as much money as I can. I'm not asking for donations, but if you really want to donate, then go right ahead; send me a Note and I'll tell you my PayPal address.

BKT