And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.
-Christopher Poindexter

So as it stands with little explanation, I've spent literally an entire year feeling sorry for myself due to the break up that had occurred a year and few days ago. I spent a lot of time in tears, a lot of time in pain, thinking all sorts of horrible things.

I hated my ex, I hated myself, I hated life and didn't want to go on anymore. I felt like our breakup was symbolic of any kind of happiness in my life, whenever I find it, something takes it away.

But the reality is, my ex isn't a horrible person. He's a friend. I was too selfish to accept that he needed something I couldn't provide, and had a hard time understanding that I couldn't be his anymore. He never left me as a friend, he was never not there for me. I wasn't there, I pushed him away, and for that I am aware I'm the problem here. The realization came crashing down last week while I slept on the floor of the room he used to live in.

This realization came with the one that there are people who still like me. People who want to be with me and can't, just like I have been with him. Maybe they don't suffer like I do, or maybe they're not as open about it as I am. But the reality is, love sucks to those who cannot get it.

It hurts me to think I'm putting other people through this, just like it hurts me to have it done to. That being said , am I going to go after some of these people? No.

The nature of this whole thing has taught me how frail of a person I've become. How I could spend so much time just putting myself through agony, not taking care of myself, crying all the time. I did manage to keep up with work, with bills, all that sort of thing. It makes me excited to think how on top of life I could be if I was actually happy for a change. I want to find out, and I hope I will pretty soon.

I appreciate everyone who has stuck by me while I've been busy falling apart, I owe it to everyone who stands by me to be the best me I can be, no matter how hard it is. That goes double for my ex, and anyone still chasing my heart. I've been so awful to people even if I never meant it. I've basically been a spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted.

Going forward, I don't want to get involved in anything else. I'm not sexually active nor have I ever been, and lately I've been losing my 'lust' for other people. I don't know if this temporary or just who I am now, so I don't want to drag anyone else into my shit-show until I find out I guess.

Right now, I just desire love? I want to be held and cuddled, watch tv with someone and just be nerds with. I've been getting more in touch with my innocent / frail side, I carried my plushy out in my bag while I was on the trains last week. I'd pet his head every now and then when I felt lonely.

But anyway, again, I appreciate everyone who has been there. I'm ready to crawl out of this hole now and just look to the future with open expectations. I don't know what I'll find, if anything, but I don't want to be sitting here still thinking of what could have been.

--Rowdy

Maybe, I'm meant to be alone. To simply observe love from a distace, so I don't taint the idea of it. Maybe, I was made to love the idea of love.
The idea of love | E.V.