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Ambivalence by Exindiv

Welp, I've done it again - I've whipped myself up into an emotional whirlpool of unrequited expectations.

I do this just about every time I submit something I've put a lot of effort into, more often with my personal projects than projects I do for others. If I do something for someone in particular, I am usually quite happy and satisfied if they seem to like it. However, when I do a personal project and post it, I always secretly have this expectation that this submission will be the one one that garners a wave of attention and recognition. This secret expectation is completely unreasonable; I've learned that the only way to garner those things is consistent, quality submissions and patience. But still, every time, the silent expectation is there and every time it leads to a bit of a glum batty when that recognition doesn't show up.

So, every time I do this to myself I have to once again re-evaluate myself and my art.
1) Is the art good enough? - a: what does that matter? It's the best you can do now. It's better than some and worse than others, but it is your best effort.
2) Does it satisfy the intended audience? - a: I didn't do it for anyone in particular, so it is a personal project for myself. Nothing I do for myself is ever going to satisfy me for more than five minutes - I'm a total dick to myself so I should not use that to measure my self worth or the value of my work.
3) What sort of reaction would be sufficient to satisfy my desire for attention? - a: If I am truly honest with myself, despite my hunger for outside validation of my work, no reaction would be sufficient, no number of views/faves/comments satisfying, nothing would quench the thirst of my ego for validation. I find it hard to take and believe compliments, so they will never be satisfying. If anything it would keep me from moving on to the next piece and ultimately stunt my growth as an artist.

So, after throwing my own little pity party about that, and the subsequent pity party for not appreciating the comments and reactions of those that have taken the time to view/fave/comment on the work, I generally pick myself up and get on with things.

The moral of this story: I'm a self-centered ass.

Expect a short comic about this in the future. (Or don't. I am a flake, too.)

As always, thank you for reading my ramblings.



4 April 2016 at 13:23:25 MDT

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    I think, every person wants to know that the hard work they put into things will be rewarded.

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      This is true. And there's a lot to be said on that concept.