The history dept. pretty much told me that if there was a problem, they'd contact me. Still, the wait is agonizing and waiting in the dark is worse.

It's going to be a tough couple of months fighting a feeling of abandonment that is probably unwarranted. I think even my first undergraduate application didn't carry this much tension (after all, I was still living with my father back then and I still had no clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life).

If I do get in, I'm going to pour my every ounce of energy into distinguishing myself. I have to. I have to go at it with a certain gusto and ambition that I've seldom had a chance to really express, but it's there at the core of my being. I see a way forward and I push on. I'm tired of being poor, unemployed, and very little to show for what I'm made of. When all I can do is plead with fate for that precious chance to make my move, I am miserable but once the chance presents itself, I feel alive.