Okay I know this journal is way overdue since my last one was back in May 2015 and it's now late January. So I guess I'll do a sort of bullet point list of things that happened, quick-ish and to-the-point.

• After the last journal between May and August (can't remember when) I had a severely bad allergic reaction that caused me to go to the Emergency Room and had to be monitored (which happened a second time sometime in November I think?). Anyway after that happened the new manager at Target (who shall remain anonymous) gave me a whole lot of shit because I had to leave as the allergic reaction happened at work and she had one less employee to work plus I was out the next day due to the whole being monitored part holding me for a bit (which I found odd as that had never happened before, perhaps some new policy?). This same manager even wrote me up for having to go to the ER and said what I did was "incredibly inconvenient" for her. So right after that (literally after my shift) I began a search for a new job and finally heard back from one in early August. As soon as I had the interview scheduled I put in my two weeks notice at Target and worked until the interview. I realize in retrospect was a bad idea to do as I should have waited until after the interview to determine if I even got the job, lucky for me I got the job though and have been working there ever since. The new job is a local casino but it's a graveyard shift where I'm working typically 8:45 PM - 5:15 AM Eastern. This new schedule has involved a lot of getting used to and even still I find myself lacking sleep as if I'll never get used to working it. The tips and overtime I get (because I'm never out by 5:15 AM due to slow shift swapping of sorts) make my paycheck the highest I have ever had in ALL my working history. I have actually been able to finally save up some money since I got the new job which I plan to use to move out finally when I can save up enough.

• On an upside I finally got Verizon FiOS which I wanted to get for over a year now and the bill is now in my brother's name (due to my credit having a lock on it at my request from the whole college loan situation mentioned in a previous journal). However we will be splitting the bill between us, to have one less bill for our mother since our step-dad isn't helping around the house. Plus the same step-dad kept complaining about the lack of channels coming in when everything switched to digital and without cable/satellite of some sort I ended up no longer watching any television. However during the physical install of the FiOS I didn't get ANY sleep because of all the drilling and banging involved in the installation, which made work quite interesting that night.

• Due to the recent holiday season and most likely lack of sleep and horrible work shift (where I barely caught any online friends to talk to) I found myself falling into a deep depression. This depression is sort of unavoidable as I am still living with my parents, people whom do NOT support any form of LGBT and find all of it utterly disgusting so I'm hugely in the closet with them about being a Trans-Woman. I'm also single, by choice, because of being pre-transition and not comfortable with any physical interaction while still very much physically male. So yes on top of that I'm also still a virgin which I do not deny, but being Trans I find myself to almost an extreme degree so very disgusted with my own body that I get nauseated simply showering or going to the bathroom so you can imagine how hard it would be for me to be with anyone physically. I have yet to get my license, mostly due to my being blind in my left eye and previously lack of a vehicle. It got worse when I turned 32 on January 9th to which I began having suicidal thoughts. However as previously when I have gotten that depressed I worried how much of a mess and how costly that would be to those around me and then the fact that none of my online friends would know I was gone. The depression has gotten even worse as of January 18th when I learned of a friend's passing back on the 13th, This was a person I considered a dear and close friend damnevildog, someone I thought I could consider almost a brother however I doubt they saw me as such since I was barely around in the last few months. I have been beating myself up ever since because it took me five days later to finally get time to look through my FurAffinity messages only to find out about it then. I regret a lot because of it, as I told him that I would buy him a game countless times as a gift for being so kind to me. I remember him saying I didn't have to, but I wanted to, but I never had the money then. I even wanted to commission him again, and even MORE wanted to actually play a video game with him. Once I learned of it I just burst into tears and it was only a mere hour before I had to go to work that night. So I went to work in tears, and an utter wreck but because he was not actually family plus the 18th was a holiday and thus a "black-out" day it would of been considered an unexcused absence had I called out or left early. They basically forced me to work crying due to the casino's horrible policy involving attendance. I have been such a wreck however that I have quite literally made myself sick and had to call out today thus having additional time to actually post an update finally. However part of me feels I have no right to actually mourn him since there were a lot of people that were a LOT closer to him.

Quite obviously I need to get to a therapist as each year is just going to make things worse, and quite obviously I'm not getting any younger. I also want to look into corrective eye surgery (such as Lasek) to hopefully fix at least my left eye where I can be permitted to drive without the excessive need and cost for additional mirrors installed into vehicle to help compensate for said eye. I need to get around to getting a consultation to find out if it can be corrected (which I only hope can).

Okay sorry for the extremely long, almost rant-like journal to which I doubt there are more than four people that even care what I typed about. Although that's also the depression talking, as I feel I'm not worth anyone caring for (more personal Trans-issues just F.Y.I.)