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[WIP] Secret Pencil, 2012.08.07...and why I think I stalled by CCritt93

[WIP] Secret Pencil, 2012.08.07...and why I think I stalled

CCritt93

When I finally got around to actually participating in the fandom in 2012, I had a tablet and an ambition. I wanted to draw, to create, to contribute, to grow.

Like many people are with New Things, I was all gung-ho at first about learning Gimp, developing a technique and a style, then taking all these silly ideas, one after another, from my head, to the to-do list, to the canvas. I understood that it would take me a little while to establish a rhythm and a routine for artwork.

Yet I quickly stalled. I had roughed Secret for a piece, the first half of a two-panel gag, when I just . . . stopped.

In the meantime I put up some other material. Old drawings from 2000 and 2001, when my technique was, shall we say, more primitive. Parody lyrics, some new, some over two decades old. A couple of little scripts. That giant triomino thing—

Wait a minute. The triominoes were a big project. Another step out of the comfort zone. I’m proud of how those tiles turned out. I just didn’t succeed at my original plan for them.

But aside from the new stuff, I have to admit to feeling like I’ve posted the older things more as a filler or a “proof of life” than I would like it to be. Putting up a rather lousy illusion of productivity.

And I think I know why I’ve held myself back from recapturing that New Thing energy.

Fear of major interruptions at home.

When I started here, Mom was still coming off a pretty long hospitalization. During that time, Mom’s health was far and away the number one priority, as it should be, and my main job was to take care of the house while Dad stayed at Mom’s side. Should there be another hospital stay, of course those priorities would resume, meaning less or no time or energy for projects.

My specific fear, which I find irrational, is that if I begin a project then Something Will Happen to drive me off from it. Obviously that did not happen with The Squirrel Has Bought Enough or Moley Morocco or the triominoes. So I need to conquer that fear and cross the starting line if I ever want to take anything to the finish line. There’s a whole lot of stuff on my list, and none of it will get done while I’m waiting for the Perfect Moment.

Secret Squirrel ™/© Hanna-Barbera

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